C: You know what I hate about French Canadians?
FC: What?
C: They are always stereotyping ethnic minorities.
FC: !
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
Quebecer and Rest-of-Canadian
R-O-C: You Quebecers are such complainers. We give you an inch, you take a mile.
Q: How so?
R-O-C: Well don't you even realize that we are making an effort to preserve French as one of the official languages in Canada?
Q: Hmmm...
R-O-C: Not only that, but even the Acadians are making a new language that is half English, half French...
Q: What language is that?
R-O-C: Frenglish.
Q: (silence)
R-O-C: What, you never heard of it before?
Q: (silence)
R-O-C: Are you mad because the word "Frenglish" has the entire word "English" in it and only two letters from the word "French"? Jeez, you Quebecers always want more recognition, eh?
Q: (silence)
R-O-C: Well what would you prefer we call it? ... "Ench"?
Q: (silence)
R-O-C: Well that's just rediculous! "Ench"?! It doesn't even make sense. That's what will make you happy?
Q: No.
R-O-C: Well, "Frenglish" as a combination of "French" and "English" sounds more like "English", so "Ench" as a combination of "English" and "French" sounds more like "French"... What more could you want? What would you call it?
Q: Hmmm.
R-O-C: Well?
Q: "Franglais".
Q: How so?
R-O-C: Well don't you even realize that we are making an effort to preserve French as one of the official languages in Canada?
Q: Hmmm...
R-O-C: Not only that, but even the Acadians are making a new language that is half English, half French...
Q: What language is that?
R-O-C: Frenglish.
Q: (silence)
R-O-C: What, you never heard of it before?
Q: (silence)
R-O-C: Are you mad because the word "Frenglish" has the entire word "English" in it and only two letters from the word "French"? Jeez, you Quebecers always want more recognition, eh?
Q: (silence)
R-O-C: Well what would you prefer we call it? ... "Ench"?
Q: (silence)
R-O-C: Well that's just rediculous! "Ench"?! It doesn't even make sense. That's what will make you happy?
Q: No.
R-O-C: Well, "Frenglish" as a combination of "French" and "English" sounds more like "English", so "Ench" as a combination of "English" and "French" sounds more like "French"... What more could you want? What would you call it?
Q: Hmmm.
R-O-C: Well?
Q: "Franglais".
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Facebook Boy and His Ex-Girlfriend
On Facebook...
FB: (on his ex-girlfriend, Stephanie's wall) Wow! Hey, how's it going Steph? Long time no see, eh?
X-G: (on FB's wall) Yeah, I know! It's looks like you are doing great! Law school?! And from your photos your condo looks awesome! Have you been working out?
FB: (wall-to-wall) Yeah, life's been good to me... I took up tennis and I joined the gym here at UofT. You're still in Halifax I see...
X-G: (wall-to-wall) Yeah, maybe I'll give you a call if I ever go to Toronto in the future.
FB: (wall-to-wall) Sure... I'd love to catch up!
A few weeks pass and X-G is pleasantly surprised to see that the high school boyfriend she broke up with so long ago now seems to be pretty cool. He's in law school, he has over 300 friends on Facebook, he's president of several clubs at UofT, he's had some articles published and he's looking, well, pretty buff, in his Facebook photos. And to think, she almost hadn't accepted him as her "friend"...
X-G: (wall-to-wall) Hey guess what?! I'm in Toronto right now! I'm at a Second Cup on Yonge Street. Surprise! So wanna meet?
FB: (wall-to-wall) oh wow! That's great! I'm a little busy this week. How long are you in town for?
X-G: (wall-to-wall) Actually I'm here for two weeks visiting my aunt. You must have some spare time to catch up in the next two weeks? I can meet you for dinner or something. It'll be fun!
FB: (wall-to-wall) Ok, how about tomorrow?
X-G: (wall-to-wall) Sure... just send me your address and I'll meet you at 5 tomorrow.
The next day, X-G shows up at FB's front door. "This can't be right," she thinks, "this is such a bad neighbourhood." She knocks on the door anyway...
FB: Oh hi Steph how's it going?
X-G: Hi.
X-G was expecting to see the buff looking version of her old high school boyfriend from the photos he'd posted on Facebook. Instead what stood before her was a balding, overweight, pasty version of her ex. His t-shirt had grey stains creeping out from under his arms and his stomach rested over the wasteband of his jeans.
FB: Nice to see you again.
X-G: You don't look anything like you do in your Facebook photos.
FB: Come on Steph. Everyone knows that you're only supposed to post the best pictures of yourself. Those photos were taken a year ago when I was working out everyday. Anyways, come on, I made reservations.
They walk to a nearby Italian restaurant.
X-G: Great, I'm starving.
FB: Hey Jake! Can we get some menus over here?
X-G: You come here often?
FB: Well, yeah I guess you could say that. I work here.
X-G: Oh. So you're a part-time waiter, like in-between classes and whatnot?
FB: Well, not exactly. I'm mostly just washing dishes right now, but they let me serve once in a while...
X-G: But you must not work much since you have to study and go to class all the time.
FB: Well, I'm not really going to classes so much lately. I was just sort of volunteering at UofT...
X-G: Volunteering as a student? Come on, what are you talking about? On Facebook-
FB: (cuts her off) Forget Facebook! Facebook isn't real! It's just a cybereality that people use in order to portray themselves a certain way so that everyone will think they are doing just great when the truth is... The truth is the real world sucks. Everyone just cultivates their Facebook profile to look like they are just fine and dandy, but come on Steph; UofT? Law? you didn't really think I was... You know what? Let's just go!
X-G: Wait a minute! Geez! Let's talk about this!
FB abruptly gets up from his seat, his large belly jerking the table upward as it catches the under-edge. He storms out of the restaurant, red in the face. X-G gets up and runs after him. They decide to go their separate ways.
Two weeks later, on Facebook, X-G considers removing FB from her list of friends. After a few moments she decides not to. Maybe it's out of pity, maybe she doesn't know why, but in any case, X-G decides that if Facebook is the only place for FB to perpetuate a fantasy cybereality, then she is not going to be the one to interfere.
FB: (on his ex-girlfriend, Stephanie's wall) Wow! Hey, how's it going Steph? Long time no see, eh?
X-G: (on FB's wall) Yeah, I know! It's looks like you are doing great! Law school?! And from your photos your condo looks awesome! Have you been working out?
FB: (wall-to-wall) Yeah, life's been good to me... I took up tennis and I joined the gym here at UofT. You're still in Halifax I see...
X-G: (wall-to-wall) Yeah, maybe I'll give you a call if I ever go to Toronto in the future.
FB: (wall-to-wall) Sure... I'd love to catch up!
A few weeks pass and X-G is pleasantly surprised to see that the high school boyfriend she broke up with so long ago now seems to be pretty cool. He's in law school, he has over 300 friends on Facebook, he's president of several clubs at UofT, he's had some articles published and he's looking, well, pretty buff, in his Facebook photos. And to think, she almost hadn't accepted him as her "friend"...
X-G: (wall-to-wall) Hey guess what?! I'm in Toronto right now! I'm at a Second Cup on Yonge Street. Surprise! So wanna meet?
FB: (wall-to-wall) oh wow! That's great! I'm a little busy this week. How long are you in town for?
X-G: (wall-to-wall) Actually I'm here for two weeks visiting my aunt. You must have some spare time to catch up in the next two weeks? I can meet you for dinner or something. It'll be fun!
FB: (wall-to-wall) Ok, how about tomorrow?
X-G: (wall-to-wall) Sure... just send me your address and I'll meet you at 5 tomorrow.
The next day, X-G shows up at FB's front door. "This can't be right," she thinks, "this is such a bad neighbourhood." She knocks on the door anyway...
FB: Oh hi Steph how's it going?
X-G: Hi.
X-G was expecting to see the buff looking version of her old high school boyfriend from the photos he'd posted on Facebook. Instead what stood before her was a balding, overweight, pasty version of her ex. His t-shirt had grey stains creeping out from under his arms and his stomach rested over the wasteband of his jeans.
FB: Nice to see you again.
X-G: You don't look anything like you do in your Facebook photos.
FB: Come on Steph. Everyone knows that you're only supposed to post the best pictures of yourself. Those photos were taken a year ago when I was working out everyday. Anyways, come on, I made reservations.
They walk to a nearby Italian restaurant.
X-G: Great, I'm starving.
FB: Hey Jake! Can we get some menus over here?
X-G: You come here often?
FB: Well, yeah I guess you could say that. I work here.
X-G: Oh. So you're a part-time waiter, like in-between classes and whatnot?
FB: Well, not exactly. I'm mostly just washing dishes right now, but they let me serve once in a while...
X-G: But you must not work much since you have to study and go to class all the time.
FB: Well, I'm not really going to classes so much lately. I was just sort of volunteering at UofT...
X-G: Volunteering as a student? Come on, what are you talking about? On Facebook-
FB: (cuts her off) Forget Facebook! Facebook isn't real! It's just a cybereality that people use in order to portray themselves a certain way so that everyone will think they are doing just great when the truth is... The truth is the real world sucks. Everyone just cultivates their Facebook profile to look like they are just fine and dandy, but come on Steph; UofT? Law? you didn't really think I was... You know what? Let's just go!
X-G: Wait a minute! Geez! Let's talk about this!
FB abruptly gets up from his seat, his large belly jerking the table upward as it catches the under-edge. He storms out of the restaurant, red in the face. X-G gets up and runs after him. They decide to go their separate ways.
Two weeks later, on Facebook, X-G considers removing FB from her list of friends. After a few moments she decides not to. Maybe it's out of pity, maybe she doesn't know why, but in any case, X-G decides that if Facebook is the only place for FB to perpetuate a fantasy cybereality, then she is not going to be the one to interfere.
Friday, July 6, 2007
Kid Lit: Knowsey
Kid 1: Did you ever notice how kid 3 always seems to be jumping in on our conversations just to try to make us look stupid?
Kid 2: “Try” ??
Kid 1: It just seems like every time I tell you something fantastic, there she is, ready to pounce on our joy.
Kid 2: Comes out of nowhere, doesn’t she?
Kid 1: She’s awful. So nosey. So intrusive. And what does she know about kid lit?
Kid 2: Yes she is nosey, but she actually knows a lot about kid lit. More than me anyway.
Kid 1: Alright, alright. She does know a lot about kid lit.
Kid 2: She’s nosey and she knows a lot.
Kid 1: She’s all knowing and all nose! Haha.
Kid 2: She’s a double nose: “knowsey.”
Kid 1: Huh?
Kid 2: Picture it in writing: “knowsey.”
Kid 1: Oh haha!
Kid 3: Do you know what Freud says about jokes? He says they are told by “comics,” also known as people who want to regain some sort of control or power over the object of their joke. Since they are unable to do so in real life, they take stabs at them by way of jokes, thus rendering them weaker and conquerable. You, for example, make stabs at me. But all this only exists in your subconscious and the joke is a last resort attempt for you to gain control over your object. It’s quite pathetic actually; you trying to make up for your lack of conscious intellect by seeking help from your subconscious, the birthplace of your innermost fantasies. From my perspective the whole thing is quite flattering: not only am I an object of your deepest fantasies, but I am also unconquerable by you. I’m feeling quite invincible right now. So thanks.
Kid 1: Oh you think so eh?
Kid 3: No, Freud thinks so.
Kid 2: “Try” ??
Kid 1: It just seems like every time I tell you something fantastic, there she is, ready to pounce on our joy.
Kid 2: Comes out of nowhere, doesn’t she?
Kid 1: She’s awful. So nosey. So intrusive. And what does she know about kid lit?
Kid 2: Yes she is nosey, but she actually knows a lot about kid lit. More than me anyway.
Kid 1: Alright, alright. She does know a lot about kid lit.
Kid 2: She’s nosey and she knows a lot.
Kid 1: She’s all knowing and all nose! Haha.
Kid 2: She’s a double nose: “knowsey.”
Kid 1: Huh?
Kid 2: Picture it in writing: “knowsey.”
Kid 1: Oh haha!
Kid 3: Do you know what Freud says about jokes? He says they are told by “comics,” also known as people who want to regain some sort of control or power over the object of their joke. Since they are unable to do so in real life, they take stabs at them by way of jokes, thus rendering them weaker and conquerable. You, for example, make stabs at me. But all this only exists in your subconscious and the joke is a last resort attempt for you to gain control over your object. It’s quite pathetic actually; you trying to make up for your lack of conscious intellect by seeking help from your subconscious, the birthplace of your innermost fantasies. From my perspective the whole thing is quite flattering: not only am I an object of your deepest fantasies, but I am also unconquerable by you. I’m feeling quite invincible right now. So thanks.
Kid 1: Oh you think so eh?
Kid 3: No, Freud thinks so.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Kid Lit: The Pair
Kid 1: Yes! Woohoo! Yippeeeeeeee!
Kid 2: What are you so excited about?
Kid 1: The Pair has finally come to terms with it.
Kid 2: “It”?
Kid 1: Yeah, you know, the big “it.”
Kid 2: No way! You’re serious? Way to go buddy! So how did it happen?
Kid 1: Well I was working through a text on the couch next to my reading lamp-
Kid 2: What text?
Kid 1: If you must know, I was analyzing the plural semantic representation of “ham” behaviour among children in Dr. Seuss. Now if you won’t interrupt me again, I’ll continue.
Kid 2: Sorry. Go on.
Kid 1: Well as I was saying, the Pair were in the kitchen and I overheard them arguing about something. Upon closer observation, I deciphered their conversation to mean that generally the mother thinks I should have more freedom, and the father thinks not. She, without ever having read Hegel, dialectically reasoned that I was a pretty smart guy and would use my free will to rebel if ever I thought they were being too silly with all their ridiculous rules.
Kid 2: All right! Congratulations!
Kid 1: Yes, thank you, but don’t you see what this could mean for the future of all kids everywhere?
Kid 2: What?
Kid 1: If word gets out that the Pairs should let us have more freedom, and we kids use that freedom properly, the world will soon find out just what we are capable of, but never had the words or physical strength to achieve!
Kid 2: Yeah, yeah, I see where you’re going with this. Once we are in charge, we will use the Pairs for their verbal and communicative talents, as well as their mobility and dexterity to express our ideas of truth and ethics! We will finally be their puppeteers!
Kid 1: Yes. Afterward, I spoke to the mother alone. I told her that she had made a lot of progress. I told her that she had set a fine example for the mothers and fathers of Pairs everywhere. I told her that admitting the truth is the first step to the Pairs of the world abolishing their envy of our youth. And finally, I gave her a good dose of positive reinforcement so that she will stay motivated to continue this trend and spread her awareness.
Kid 2: You are one cool kid you know that?
Kid 3: Maybe you are cool, maybe not; in any case, I have to ask what proof you have that the mother even understood anything you “told” her.
Kid 1: Well, she hugged me. She definitely hugged me for a while. That is all the reassurance and confirmation I need.
Kid 3: Aaaah, manipulated by the mother’s affections once again I see.
Kid 2: What are you so excited about?
Kid 1: The Pair has finally come to terms with it.
Kid 2: “It”?
Kid 1: Yeah, you know, the big “it.”
Kid 2: No way! You’re serious? Way to go buddy! So how did it happen?
Kid 1: Well I was working through a text on the couch next to my reading lamp-
Kid 2: What text?
Kid 1: If you must know, I was analyzing the plural semantic representation of “ham” behaviour among children in Dr. Seuss. Now if you won’t interrupt me again, I’ll continue.
Kid 2: Sorry. Go on.
Kid 1: Well as I was saying, the Pair were in the kitchen and I overheard them arguing about something. Upon closer observation, I deciphered their conversation to mean that generally the mother thinks I should have more freedom, and the father thinks not. She, without ever having read Hegel, dialectically reasoned that I was a pretty smart guy and would use my free will to rebel if ever I thought they were being too silly with all their ridiculous rules.
Kid 2: All right! Congratulations!
Kid 1: Yes, thank you, but don’t you see what this could mean for the future of all kids everywhere?
Kid 2: What?
Kid 1: If word gets out that the Pairs should let us have more freedom, and we kids use that freedom properly, the world will soon find out just what we are capable of, but never had the words or physical strength to achieve!
Kid 2: Yeah, yeah, I see where you’re going with this. Once we are in charge, we will use the Pairs for their verbal and communicative talents, as well as their mobility and dexterity to express our ideas of truth and ethics! We will finally be their puppeteers!
Kid 1: Yes. Afterward, I spoke to the mother alone. I told her that she had made a lot of progress. I told her that she had set a fine example for the mothers and fathers of Pairs everywhere. I told her that admitting the truth is the first step to the Pairs of the world abolishing their envy of our youth. And finally, I gave her a good dose of positive reinforcement so that she will stay motivated to continue this trend and spread her awareness.
Kid 2: You are one cool kid you know that?
Kid 3: Maybe you are cool, maybe not; in any case, I have to ask what proof you have that the mother even understood anything you “told” her.
Kid 1: Well, she hugged me. She definitely hugged me for a while. That is all the reassurance and confirmation I need.
Kid 3: Aaaah, manipulated by the mother’s affections once again I see.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Kid Lit Critikers
Kid 1: What do you call a kid who critiques literature?
Kid 2: You mean like us?
Kid 1: Yes.
Kid 2: Um, Kid Critics?
Kid 1: Mmm, no, it sounds too critical. I don’t want us to put such a negative spin on our title… I mean this is going to be our title for keeps. We gotta make sure it’s catchy, and it has to be pretty neutral. We have to sound credible if people are going to take us seriously.
Kid 2: But we’re kids. No one takes us seriously until one of us gets hurt.
Kid 1: How about Kid Critikers?
Kid 2: Yuck! I can visualize the term in writing and the aesthetics are terrible.
Kid 1: True.
Kid 2: How about Kid Critters?
Kid 1: Naw, then we sound like a genetic hybrid mutant that is half kid, half rodent or something.
Kid 2: True.
Kid 1: See if we weren’t talking about ourselves it would be so much easier.
Kid 2: You mean because of the added ego telling us to be careful what we call ourselves because it just might come true?
Kid 1: Yes.
Pause
Kid 3: Why do we have to call ourselves anything? We have always talked about kid lit, and we always will discuss it together. We never had a stupid title before and we got along fine. We know who we are. Isn’t that enough? I don’t want a stupid title just so that other people can have a short way to refer to our entire identities. For that matter, it’s kind of silly that we even have names in the first place.
Kid 1: True.
Kid 2: True.
Kid 2: You mean like us?
Kid 1: Yes.
Kid 2: Um, Kid Critics?
Kid 1: Mmm, no, it sounds too critical. I don’t want us to put such a negative spin on our title… I mean this is going to be our title for keeps. We gotta make sure it’s catchy, and it has to be pretty neutral. We have to sound credible if people are going to take us seriously.
Kid 2: But we’re kids. No one takes us seriously until one of us gets hurt.
Kid 1: How about Kid Critikers?
Kid 2: Yuck! I can visualize the term in writing and the aesthetics are terrible.
Kid 1: True.
Kid 2: How about Kid Critters?
Kid 1: Naw, then we sound like a genetic hybrid mutant that is half kid, half rodent or something.
Kid 2: True.
Kid 1: See if we weren’t talking about ourselves it would be so much easier.
Kid 2: You mean because of the added ego telling us to be careful what we call ourselves because it just might come true?
Kid 1: Yes.
Pause
Kid 3: Why do we have to call ourselves anything? We have always talked about kid lit, and we always will discuss it together. We never had a stupid title before and we got along fine. We know who we are. Isn’t that enough? I don’t want a stupid title just so that other people can have a short way to refer to our entire identities. For that matter, it’s kind of silly that we even have names in the first place.
Kid 1: True.
Kid 2: True.
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